They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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