Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
