I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
