the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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