I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
