Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
