he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
