Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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