Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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