I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
