Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
