Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
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She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
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three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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