Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
