You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
