the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
