Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
