So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I would ride that face into the sunset
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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