I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
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my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
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Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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