I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
