just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
