no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
