He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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