Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
