You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
