I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
