Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
