Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
