My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
