she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
