so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
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Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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