I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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