Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
