I can tuck mytits in my pants
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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