Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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