I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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