Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
