I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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