Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
