I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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