Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
