Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize