My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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