A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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