Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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