I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
