fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Houston, we have a blender
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
