if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
