My room smells like vodka and shame
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
