Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
pop tarts are not kleenex
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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