New invention idea: vibrating tampons
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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