Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
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I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
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Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
my liver is dry heaving
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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