Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
