All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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