Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
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He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
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Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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