I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I cut my penus on the lid.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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