I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
