He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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